


i could disappear completely

by weatheredlaw



Series: radio edit [5]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, College, F/M, Friendship, Implied Sexual Content, Mild Language, Sexist Language, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-16 01:11:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2250300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weatheredlaw/pseuds/weatheredlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows that this, right here, with her in this moment and maybe even every moment after -- it's where he belongs. Completely and entirely. Exactly here. Exactly right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i could disappear completely

**Author's Note:**

> this is another one set before the first few tucker/grif fics in the "radio edit" series. i promise i'm getting back to that, i was just inspired to do a big of a backstory for caboose/sheila and church/tex. enjoy!

Church meets Tex for the first time on the fourth of July, just after his senior year of high school. His old man is hosting something big, trying to get donors for the university. Few years back, Church's dad became the dean, which pretty much decided where Church was going right off the bat. Not that he cares too much. Where he goes to school doesn't matter. He's moving out, would be anyway even if his folks weren't chomping at the bit to get him as far from the house as possible. It's not about not _loving him_ , he knows they do -- his family just isn't good at close quarters. Hell, even his mom has her own room. 

Normally, Church isn't into these things. He goes, because it looks good, and now his dad can put a hand on his shoulder and say things like, "Well, Leonard'll be studying there this fall, won't you son?" Something to that tune. He plays the game, because he's basically going to school for free, and if he's good, if he behaves himself and smiles and nods and laughs and says things like, "Sure am," and "You know, I just can't wait," -- then no one bothers him. Everyone just _leaves him alone._

But this girl. This girl standing next to her folks by the open bar. This girl with her hair pulled back and her eyes cast down and her body turned in, like she's defending herself from attack -- this _girl_. 

She's looking at him without really looking. She's pulling him in and Church is walking across the yard, to her spot by the bar, under the tree, and he's standing in front of her and he's saying, "I'm Church." 

She looks up.

"I know who you are. This is your party."

"It's my old man's party."

"Mmhm. I _know._ " She takes a sip of her cherry coke. "What do you want?"

"Sorry, I just, you know. Everyone here is ancient. And a PhD."

"How dull." She looks into her cup. "I'm Allison." Then: "But you can call me Tex. All my friends call me Tex." She looks like she's going to say something else, maybe something important Church has no idea -- but her mother is calling for her and she just smiles, not like she's sorry, just like it's inconvenient, or a real bummer. Doesn't say anything else.

Church stands under the tree for a while, watching her go. He won't see her again for months, but that doesn't matter.

They'll find each other again.

 

 

 

The rent on his new place is a little steep. His folks are willing to help him, no problem, but they aren't in the mood to pay almost 700 bucks a month when Church pretty much refuses to communicate with him. Not that they're any better, but it's the principle of the thing.

"Sweetie, don't you know anyone who could live with you? Help with the rent?"

"No." He wasn't good at making friends in high school.

"Ask around," is the most helpful his mother gets before she hangs up. Church glances around the apartment and thinks, hell, it might be kind of nice to get someone else in here. Operative word there being might, he figures, since people are hell and dealing with them just isn't his strong suit. He's already alienated his neighbors.

Giving in to his parents' demands means taking out an ad online, and hoping he doesn't attract a fucking serial killer. Or an asshole. Or someone who's going to drive him up the wall. Or eat his food. Or have eleven cats.

Caboose is none of those things and _has_ none of those things -- doesn't even really like cats -- and he's got a job. Or is about to. Starting next Monday.

"Ah, so I do not have money. Right now. I will, though. By Friday. Yeah, see, I get paid every Friday? The lady told me I should think about it carefully because it was very important. But she also said she could have me tried for treason and I'm not really sure how she'd do that--"

"She's fucking with you," Church says, flipping through his text book. His dad isn't thrilled he wants to teach, and honestly, Church isn't even sure why he wants to -- something about kids, he figures. Adults are a special breed of insanity, but Church figures kids deserve a little justice in this world. Can't blame them for most of its problems anyway. 

"Oh." Caboose looks into his bowl of ramen and smiles. "Well that's nice. I'm glad she can joke with me."

Caboose isn't super good at jokes. Or sarcasm. But he cleans and doesn't sleep walk and by the time he actually has money, he's paying his share of the rent on time. The fact that, yeah, okay, sometimes he starts talking and doesn't know when to stop definitely grates on Church's nerves more than a little.

But Caboose isn't a dick. The first guy Church has met who hasn't just started being a douche to him. 

He'll take that.

 

 

 

There's this morning, about a month after Caboose moves in. Church goes into the kitchen and Caboose is freaking out. He sounds like he's having an asthma attack, but there's this fear in his face, like he isn't sure where he is or what's going on. Church gets down on his knees, trying to get his attention.

"Caboose, man, you okay?" _Stupid fucking question, of course he isn't okay._ "Uh. Breathe? Breathe, yeah. Just, uh. Okay. You, um. Shit." Caboose looks like he kind of wants to die and he probably does. Church figures the only thing he can do is sit with him, talk him through it maybe, wait for him to calm down. 

It takes a while, and after, Caboose looks sick and tired. They sit on the floor together while Caboose calms down.

"Sorry," Caboose murmurs, his voice dry. 

"What? Dude, don't...no. It's okay."

"Sometimes it happens."

"That's okay."

"Not really."

Church nods, because yeah that makes sense. Caboose finally gets up. He'd dropped his coffee mug, porcelain pieces scattered across the floor. "Do you have a doctor?"

"No." 

Church gets up after him and starts helping him pick up the pieces. "Hey, man, just...just sit down. I got this."

"I made a mess."

"I know, but I got it. Okay?" Caboose relents and hands over the shattered mug, going to the living room and curling up on the couch. When Church goes to check on him, he's completely passed out. 

Caboose sleeps for most of the weekend, finally getting up late on Sunday and wolfing down the breakfast Church makes them. 

Church messes with the broken corner of the table. "Hey, uh, can I ask you something?" Caboose nods. "I didn't wanna just, like. Call someone. But if you want I can call my family's doctor. He's just a PCP, but he might be able to help you find someone." Caboose stops chewing, looking at Church like he's just met him. "I mean you don't have to. And I wanted to ask first because, like, it's your thing, it's your insurance and stuff, I wasn't just gonna--"

"I would like that." Caboose smiles for the first time in a couple days and Church feels something like _relief_ wash over him -- he hadn't realized how much he relied on Caboose to be consistent and happy. Which is unfair of him, holy shit, like how could he just _expect_ someone to be happy _all the time_ \-- but he's glad he gets to see it now.

 

 

 

The doctor gives Caboose the number of a specialist and Church goes with him, mostly because Caboose doesn't have a car of his own and he starts panicking about the appointment the morning of and there's no way Church is letting him get on a bus like that, seriously. 

They start learning about it together, and whenever Caboose has another attack, Church does the breathing with him -- because sometimes, right after it happens, and Caboose is fluid and honest, he tells Church that it's been a long time since someone did something like this for him. 

"That's what you do, Caboose. That's what you do for friends."

 

 

 

"Is this your party, too?"

Church is standing in the middle of a frat house, wishing he wasn't here, wishing he'd talked Caboose into going out with him instead of some girl from work -- and there she is again. 

"Hi, Tex."

"You remembered."

"You were pretty adamant about it." She smiles and takes a sip of her drink. Church tries not to stare at her mouth. "You don't look like the frat type."

"Mmhm, you're right. I'm not really into large groups of dudes you pay to be your friends. Or girls, for that matter." She points to the other side of the party. "My boyfriend is rushing."

"Boyfriend."

She laughs. "Yes, the man-eater Allison, known only to her enemies as Tex, does _indeed_ have a boyfriend. Leonard."

"Well he looks healthy enough." She laughs. "Sorry, that wasn't what I was implying."

"I know. I'm just fucking with you."

Church suddenly isn't crazy about this beer or this party or anything happening here, for that matter. Tex must see the change in his expression because she excuses herself, putting a hand on his shoulder before going. Kind of like last time, but maybe with a little more regret. 

Or maybe he's just projecting. Whatever.

He takes a walk to clear his head and steals some crackers from the kitchen before going back to his car. Some guy in his chem lecture had invited him, but didn't show up, which is kind of the worst. Church heads home feeling stupid for having left in the first place. There's some car that he doesn't recognize in the driveway, which is probably Caboose's date, and when Church gets in Caboose's door is shut tight.

At least someone is enjoying themselves.

In the morning, the girl is gone, and Caboose is standing in the kitchen humming happily to himself and making waffles.

"Good night."

"Mmhm."

"Is there chocolate in those?"

"Always." 

Church squeezes his shoulder. "Good for you, man." He pours himself a cup of coffee and leans against the counter. "She a nice girl?"

Caboose shrugs. "She's talks a little too fast."

"Seriously?"

"Mmhm. And she was mean to the waiter."

"And you still brought her back."

"We did not go out because we're very compatible, Church." Caboose gives him a look that says, _get with the program_ and Church raises a hand in surrender.

"Okay, I get it. I respect your right to have a fuck buddy." Another look. " _Okay._ A one night stand."

"I prefer the phrase _sexual adventure_."

Church laughs. "Won't that make things awkward at work?"

Caboose is apparently king of the bitch-face this morning. "Things can only get awkward if you make them awkward. Sex is not awkward, Church. It's supposed to be fun." 

"Yeah, well. I wouldn't know."

Caboose doesn't seem super shocked. He just shrugs and hands Church a plate of waffles. "That's okay. Not everyone has to enjoy it. It's a very individual experience." 

"This is the wisest conversation I've ever had about sex."

Caboose grins around his breakfast. "I'm good at that."

 

 

 

Church doesn't see Tex for another month, this time in the quad eating her lunch under a tree. She waves at him as he walks past and he takes a chance and goes over. "Hey."

"Afternoon."

"What's for lunch?"

She looks in her bag. "Peanut butter sandwich. Some fruit. Wanna sit?" He nods. "How're you?"

"Busy."

"School sucks."

"It does." 

They sit in silence for a while and Tex eats her sandwich, then pulls out her fruit. "I got dumped this morning."

Church snaps back into reality. " _What?_ "

She nods. "Dumped."

"By Kappa Kappa Nu?"

Tex laughs. "That was not the name of the frat."

"No, I know. I just don't care."

She shrugs. "Yeah, that one. We're in econ together in the morning and he just sat next to me and said, hey. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I think you're kind of a bitch."

"Um."

"He's not wrong. But it hurt, a little." She looks at him. "Do you wanna go out tonight?"

"Jesus Christ."

"I'm serious. We should go out."

Church tilts his head to the side, incredibly fucking confused. "Are you for real right now?"

"I am."

Fuck it isn't like he hasn't had the worst dreams about Tex ever, or that he hasn't wondered what she'd look like across the table from him getting coffee or dinner or something -- but this seems rushed. Weird. Like a rebound. 

"Yeah okay."

Church can be a rebound. 

 

 

 

He can be rebound sex, too.

Tex invites him in when he drops her off at home, and her intentions are pretty clear when she starts kissing him before they even get to the door. Church considers telling her that he has a complete and total sum of zero percent experience with this, but she doesn't ask or seem to care. 

"Hold up." She sits up on her bed and unhooks her bra, tipping her head to kiss his neck and press herself against his chest. "You want this, right?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Church." She pulls back.

"Yes. A lot. Very much. Definitely. How many more positive words do you need?"

"Idiot." She grins and kisses him again. 

 

 

 

"You had sex!" Caboose says happily. Church nods. "Did you like it?"

"Yeah. It was just weird."

"Like--"

"No, dumbass. Like...like okay. It wasn't a date." Caboose nods. "It was...she got dumped that day."

"Oh." Caboose hands him a cup of coffee. "That kind of sex."

"Right."

"You probably won't have sex with her again."

Church chokes on his coffee. "What? How do you know?"

"Personal experience." 

"I don't know, man. I mean, we had fun. You said it was supposed to be fun." Caboose pours himself a bowl of cereal. "Hey, man, you don't know Tex, okay. She's--" Church realizes that he doesn't really know Tex either. And it seems Caboose has that figured out pretty quick.

But instead of accusing him of anything else, he just takes his cereal into the living room and turns on some cartoons.

Sometimes Caboose is both the best and the worse roommate all at once.

 

 

 

"We should go out again."

" _Jesus!_ " Church spills his coffee all over the table in the student union, scrambling for napkins. Tex grabs some and helps him clean it up. "Uh, _hi_ , is a good way to start a conversation."

She rolls her eyes. "Okay. _Hi_ , Church. I think we should go out again. My mom got me these movie ticket gift cards. We should go see something." 

"Um. Okay."

Tex narrows his eyes. "Don't you want to?"

"No, no. I do. I just...something a friend told me. Sorry. Yeah. I do. Which movie?"

They don't go see a movie. They have sex instead, which is, like, kind of the same thing.

Well, it isn't. But it doesn't cost any money.

After, Tex rolls over and draws her blanket over her chest and looks at him. "You're not bad."

"Yeah, I've got tons of experience."

She grins and kisses his shoulder. "Liar."

Church rolls onto his side and reaches out to push the hair from her face. She's sweet, he thinks. She's using him for sex, which doesn't make her bad or anything. And Church can't complain because she's good at it and she talks to him and she laughs at him for making weird faces when he comes -- but it's not like they're dating. Whatever that even means.

"I like you," she finally says. Church looks at her. "I mean, I know that's kind of weird, but..." She sits up on her elbow. "I, uh. I didn't get dumped."

"Sorry?"

"I broke up with my boyfriend."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to go out with you."

"No, why'd you lie?"

"Because I do that sometimes. I don't know, I didn't want to dump him for you and then figure out you were, like, a mistake or something." Church raises an eyebrow. "Okay, I know that sounds kinda bad. Or, you know. Really bad. But I just...I liked you. And he was being a dick. And so I did the bitchy thing and I broke up with him in econ because I don't break up with people in my own space. It's mine."

"I get that."

"And I like you. And I want to keep seeing you."

Church feels a little weird, but not in a bad way. In a _something big_ way. "I'd like that."

"Okay." She kisses him again. "Stay here tonight?"

"Definitely." 

She smiles. "Good."

 

 

 

Dating Tex starts out pretty great. They fuck a lot, and her mother really likes him. Well, she's met him once, so it's not like the best judge of how she feels. But still. She called him a gentleman. 

And Tex is...Tex is great. Tex is funny and sarcastic and their humor and the way they see the world is so similar. Bitter and annoyed, typically with the glass half empty. Caboose calls them a pessimistic match made in heaven, but that seems a little excessive. 

He also thinks they're mean to one another. And he isn't wrong.

The fighting is bad from the get-go. Church doesn't know how, he doesn't know why, but every single thing they do seems to end with them screaming at one another in the living room. It also ends with sex, and then in the morning everything is fine -- but the whole thing is kind of fucked up. 

"I'm _sorry_ your mother doesn't like me," she snaps one evening. How long has it been? Church has lost track. Almost a year because he turned 19 the month before. Something like that.

"No you're not. You're not because you don't even try."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry I don't put on the fucking pretty face whenever your mother walks into the room so she can feel like a fucking queen. God _dammit_ Church!" 

"You're being a bitch."

"You're right. I am." She folds her arms over her chest and doesn't talk to him until they get to her house. Church doesn't turn off the car and she doesn't invite him in. She just sits there. "I think we need a break."

"Couldn't agree more."

She looks at him, but Church doesn't move. He stares straight ahead because looking at her means letting her know he's lying.

The last thing he wants is a break from her. 

Because it's bad sometimes. They fight sometimes.

But when it's good, it's really _good_. 

It's just hard to remember that.

 

 

 

Three months after the first breakup, they get back together again. Caboose is tentative about it when he finds her in the house the morning after, but Tex is making pancakes and hugs him, telling him she's sorry or something like that.

"You don't have to be sorry," he says simply. "Let me finish." He takes the spatula from her and shoos her off. Church hands her a cup of coffee. 

"He missed you."

"I missed him." Then, "I missed you, too."

 

 

 

Caboose is dating a girl. A nice girl, named Anna or Anne or something. She calls him Michael and Tex thinks it's sweet.

"She's very nice," Caboose says carefully, the way he does when he's trying not to be mean. Church nudges him and he gives in. "Her parents aren't very big fans. Of me."

"I know the feeling," Tex mutters.

"She apologized to you," Church snaps, and it starts going from there, escalating up and up and up and then--

"I moving out," Caboose suddenly says. He's staring into his plate, cheeks red.

"Caboose--"

"Not far from here. But I think I should."

"Why?"

"Because Anna wants to move in together and I like her a lot and so we're going to try that." He looks between the two of them. "I just wish you guys could be good to each other all the time. Not just...not just some of the time." Caboose sighs and gets up, taking his plate to the sink. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. 

Church stands. "Don't say that. You know you don't have to be. Not ever. Not for anything."

Caboose smiles and Church feels that same relief he always does -- he's going to miss seeing that every day.

 

 

 

Caboose doesn't move very far away, but he doesn't move in with his girlfriend either. They break up a week into it, not because of anything terrible, he explains, but because she thinks he likes someone else and she's just not interested in being secondary to that.

"Do you?" Tex asks. Caboose shrugs. 

"He does," Church says, grinning. 

"It isn't important." He comes over for breakfast every Sunday and usually stays for a while. Tex spends a lot of time in the apartment, so much that one morning Church comes into the kitchen and she's just there. Didn't stay the night, just came over on her own.

"You should move in," he says quietly, sitting across from her. She's highlighting in a text book and looks up at him. "I love you," he adds. "I love you a lot. And I know we don't always work, but I think we should...we should try harder. To work."

Tex smiles and looks down at her book. "Yeah. Yeah okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

 

 

 

When they graduate, Caboose is there to take pictures, standing awkwardly beside their families. Church never asked why Caboose didn't go to school with them -- he got his job at the court house pretty much out of high school, and he never said he regretted it, so what was there to ask about? Guy was happy from the get-go.

"You guys look very smart," he says happily, snapping some pictures after their parents head out. Church puts his cap on Caboose's head and takes the camera, getting a few pictures of him before Caboose steals it back. "You look less smart with the hat off."

"Asshole," Church mutters, laughing. He gets someone to take a photo of the three of them, Caboose in the middle, his big arms managing to get around them both with ease. It's a good picture, Church thinks. He'll ask for one later, maybe.

That night, Tex brushes her fingers through his hair and Church just watches her. It's been up and down for a while, but for now, it's good. 

"Are you happy?" she asks.

"Yes." He doesn't have to think about it, because why? "Are you?"

"Yes." He knows she wouldn't lie about it. She never lies about how she feels, especially not to him. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Then: "It's working."

Tex nods. "It is."

"Pretty well."

She laughs. "Yes, dummy. This thing we have is working out pretty well right now." She straddles his waist and grins, looking down at him. "Do you regret it?"

"No."

"Even the bad stuff?"

Church sits up and she wraps her legs around him. He knows that this, right here, with her in this moment and maybe even every moment after -- it's where he belongs. Completely and entirely. Exactly here. Exactly right. 

"Especially not the bad stuff."


End file.
